Wednesday, April 29, 2009

good morning

what'll it be today?
maybe some strawberries in a pale blue bowl
and some sunshine
on a red checkered blanket for you to stretch out on
while your feet hang off the edge and the grass tickles your toes.
and the sun makes little rainbows inside your eyes
and you feel the warmth of them all through your body.
and you're happy.
very, very happy.

how about that?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

"if you knew that it was the last time you were ever going to see your dad, would you have done or said anything differently, dawn?"

this was asked of me by my friend tracy.
i have been lucky enough to know tracy through her life of
becoming engaged and then married to her wonderful mark,
the heartbreak of a miscarriage
the profoundly moving adoption of her daughter,
the joyful birth of her son,
the tragic death of her mother
and now the anguish of her father's progression into alzheimer's.
a lot of living this friend of mine has had.
and she moves through this living in grace and love.
i know she's hurting
and there's not a damn thing i can do about it.

i've thought a lot about this question.
i've had my share of deaths, both personally and as a hospice social worker.
i've witnessed hundreds of families as they struggle through grief and loss.
the "what if" question always comes up.

when my father died suddenly, would i have given everything i own for just one more minute with him?
would he have known that i loved him any better than i did?
no, i don't think so.
for me, it's the yearning.
it's the not wanting to say goodbye.
because when we love people, there are always going to be
the good parts
the bad parts
and the ugly parts.
that's part of loving someone.
but i don't care how prepared we think we may be,
when death comes, we're hard pressed to let go.

for me, it's the wishing.
it's the heartache.
the "what if" is a way of us trying to make sense of it all.

i told tracy that i was going to write about her here.
and i told her that i would ask you all on her behalf if you would please share your thoughts on this question.
so if you would please,
take a minute.
let her know what you think.

Friday, April 24, 2009

the time is here.
it's the weekend.
no more work for the weary.
no schedules
or deadlines
no office politics
or eating a crappy lunch at your desk
wishing you were outside

because it's the weekend.
and it's all yours.

so enjoy it.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

fortune cookie thursday

today's fortune cookie thursday's fortune is courtesy of my friend char
her photos are incredible and her blog is wonderful. go visit her and say hello.

thanks for the fortune, char!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

do you think we're ever balanced?
or do you think that we're always swaying back and forth
a bit trying to gain equilibrium.
"Balance is a harmony in which the various parts form a whole and nothing is out of proportion or unduly emphasized at the expense of the rest"
so how do we do that?
i know that i'm never dead-on balanced.
and yet, balance is what i hear all the time
as something i should be.

maybe my inability to become balanced is completely balanced?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

self portrait tuesday

april's theme is "high key/low key"

happy tuesday!

Monday, April 20, 2009

help please

i seem to have misplaced my sense of humor.
have you seen it anywhere?
i can't remember the last time i saw it.
but if you may have borrowed it
please return it.
i am in desperate need of it.

some other things i have lost and wish i could find again:

1. reasons why i should eat right and exercise
2. my youth
3. a positive outlook on life
4. confidence in my abilities
5. compassion for bad drivers
6. stable hormone levels
7. sleep
8. my memory
9. good eyesight
10. the cap from the toothpaste tube

you can see that i'm really in a difficult spot.
so please, let me know if you've seen that sense of humor.

hope your day is full of humor and found things.
happy monday.

Friday, April 17, 2009

the other day, a friend and i were having dinner.
we're both the same age, we're both social workers and we're both struggling with the weirdnesses of life and over-analyzing and stressing over every little nuance of communication we'd had in the last thirty days ad nauseum.
basically, like we always do.
because we're both wired that way i guess.
when we'd had enough of ourselves, we started laughing
and then she told me that years ago one of her mentors had said to her
"the older you get, the more like yourself you become."
and she had never forgotten it.
because at the time, she was too young to really understand it.
but she knew that it was important enough to remember because
one day it would certainly make sense to her.
it was so perfectly wonderful that
i could only just sit there smiling, trying to take it in.

so maybe this explains it?
the older i'm getting, the less i'm understanding
which makes me feel out of control and vulnerable
which then knocks me completely out of balance
and then i do all kinds of stupid, ridiculous things
that totally sabotage myself
which makes me feel even more out of control
and then i get depressed until i can't stand myself anymore
and then i just have to laugh and surrender.

i'm thinking that this merry go round of reactions
just about encompasses every aspect
about myself which then validates the theory that
the older you get the more like yourself you become.


happy weekend!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

fortune cookie thursday

i don't even remember how fortune cookie thursdays even got started....
for some reason though, i thought it would be funny to make them.
i re-do them in photoshop and use the same image over and over again with
absurd and random things that come out of my brain.

so how about you?
got any for fortune cookie thursday?
i'll post them for next week's fortune cookie thursday.
fire away!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

the similarities of blogging and making an egg salad sandwich

i have now celebrated my one year blog-iversary.
and i didn't even realize it.
when i first started this blog,
i wanted to use it as a space to explore my relationship with my art through words and images.
and like many other things i tend to do,
i strayed a bit.
because lately i've been hiding behind images more and not using many words.
this is a bad habit of mine.
i listen more than i talk.
which is a good thing, because i'm a social worker
and i should be listening more than i'm talking.
but somewhere along the way
i stopped giving much effort to my words.
i've become lackadaisical about saying much.
and i need to quit it.
so that i can challenge myself to grow a bit more.
because i always need to grow.
coming to this realization, means i will be putting more effort into saying personal things
and not just throwing images around.
kind of like making an egg salad sandwich.
you have to crack open those eggs first,
and then you throw in the good stuff and mix it around.
and no matter which way you slice the bread
either diagonally or straight up and down,
you have married bread and egg salad.

all that to say, i am going to make more egg salad sandwiches in this space of mine.
starting now.

Monday, April 13, 2009

have i told you lately how special i think you are?

happy monday.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

"it's the heart that gives,
the fingers just let go."

-african proverb

happy easter, all.

Friday, April 10, 2009

even with all the signs in the world
pointing us in different directions,
sometimes we still can only guess which way to go
and hope for the best.

hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

i wish i could have the sun any time i wanted it
or felt i needed it.
that i could take it out of its box
and let it shine on me
whenever i feel that i'm getting too serious
or the walls are closing in on me

the sun can always soothe my hurts.
and soften me when i'm feeling hard and full of edges.
why is that?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

self portrait tuesday

april's theme is low key/high key.

what is high key?
here's an explanation from wikipedia:...

"High-key lighting is usually quite homogeneous and free from dark shadows." i think about a white or very light background...not much or hardly any contrast on the subject because of a larger, more diffuse light source when i think about high key.

"Low key light accentuates the contours of an object by throwing areas into shade while a fill light or reflector may illuminate the shadow areas to control contrast." the way i think about low key is a dark background and more of a small light source.

hoping this makes sense?

Sunday, April 5, 2009

it's a long one so you'll probably want to go to the bathroom first before you look at this post

i hope everyone is well.
i was the one that was spazzing a mere few days ago.
but i am no longer a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown
(for now anyway)
because the opening is behind me now.
and it was fun.
so fun.
and i can't thank everyone enough for their amazing support and outpouring of love shown to me.
so here's some of the night to share with you.....

first and foremost, i must tell you that my friend sara took the majority of these pictures.
she took mr. camera right off my hands and i now have these ultra-fabulous pictures and without her, i probably would not have even remembered to take one single shot.
so thank you sara. you rock for so many reasons and i love you.

i want to tell you that a part of all the proceeds go directly to habitat for humanity. julia's coffee house is connected to a giant re-store that is owned and operated by habitat for humanity volunteers. the coffee is fair trade coffee and it houses a great bookstore as well as terrific coffee. the atmosphere is casual and relaxed which made it a perfect place to have an art show.

i want to thank my dear friend gillian for her invaluable support and for being such a true and strong rudder when i was in need of direction. and your apple green purse is to die for. i love you.

i thank all my family and friends whom i love so much, for all their encouragement and support.

i thank julia's coffee house for allowing me to become a small part of their wonderful community.

and i thank mr. ntm for being my biggest cheerleader and for believing in me. without you, this never would have even been a possiblity for me.
i love you.

there it is.
i can now say i'm glad i took the risk.
who knows.
i may even be stupid enough to try it again.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

feeling a bit untethered this week.
i have a show opening on friday.
so, probably some anxiety.
probably a lot of anxiety.
a lot more than i think.
my dogs are fighting every night.
so upsetting.
i think they're picking up on my stress
and i feel so bad about it.

i need to remember to laugh today.
and i will try to listen to myself.
plus i will try to remember that this anxiety that i'm feeling and whatever else that i'm feeling doesn't have to be named.
and it won't last forever.

and lastly, it might be a good idea if i could remember to try and enjoy what i've worked hard to get.

i think i'm actually getting on my own nerves.

i will not be around for the next few days so i can prepare to be artsy fartsy. when i come back to this space though, i will have pictures. lots and lots of pictures.'re surprised at that?

be back soon.