even after all these years as a human, i'm still trying to figure it all out.....
learning how not to always stand on the edge of it, but walk into it...
sometimes wishing there were training footsteps with numbers on them showing me where to step and which foot to step with
knowing that even though it feels like it's set in stone, it really isn't because i have the power to change that,
and if i'm not careful, i could chip away at it so recklessly that i could reduce it to nothing but rubble.

in this new year,
let us all remember to step with care
and,
to dance when life feels heavy,
even when we don't have footsteps to follow along in.

i wish you all a beautiful new year.
xo

streets lit with magic
the season of love and joy
breathing it all in

i wish you all a very joyous and wonderful christmas.
thank you for your visits here and thank you for your support.
merry christmas with love,
dawn

the insomniac's cheat sheet
happy sleeping, everybody!
xo

the 10 commandments of christmas season behavior

1. thou shalt not use "yuletide log" or "christmas balls" in a derogatory fashion

2. thou shalt not punch, hit or shove any human under the age of 10 in store lines. after the age of 10, it's all fair game.

3. thou shalt not wear fat pants for any longer period of time than january 30th at which such time the 8 pounds that have been gained should be well on their way to being gone

4. thou shalt refrain from dressing with any item of clothing that blinks, jingles or requires a battery

5. thou shalt not drink red bull and eat items with high sugar content at the same time. (this includes pets as well)

6. thou shalt bear in mind that there is a direct correlation between power bills and exterior lighting decorating choices

7. thou shalt act merry and brite at all times....even if it kills you.

8. thou shalt remember that there is only one christmas per year and that you will remember this christmas fondly every year after, giving anything to have it back.

the trick with breathing space is
to remember that when you actually
get that space,
you have to breathe
as
well.

may god give you the grace never to sell yourself short.
the grace to risk something big for something good.
the grace to know that the world is now too dangerous for anything but truth,
and too small for anything but love.
may god take your minds and think through them.
may god take your lips and speak through them.
and may god take your hearts
and
set
them
on
fire.

amen.

written by william coffin
and adapted by stephen shoemaker

happy thanksgiving to you all.
xo

it's not fall if you don't rake tlhe leaves up
and then jump in them.
it's not fall if you don't catch sight of your shadow on the ground and notice how long it is,
jumping around and dancing like a ridiculous clown just to see how much longer you can make it.
it's not fall if you don't breathe in that earth rich smell,
or that familiar smokey scent of leaves burning in the distance....
if you don't become just a little wistful at the poignancy of the season's change....
the familiarity of it,
and the disbelief that it's happening yet again....
it's not fall if you don't anticipate the quiet breath of winter and the ever present longing for spring to return.
it's not fall if the amber light doesn't strip your soul down to the very core and humble your spirit.

rhyme or reason.....
if i had to choose,
i could live without rhyme.....
but reason?
no, i can never live without that.

he drove a VW beetle......
drove it all up and down the east coast,
he put his head through the windshield of one when someone pulled out in front of him.
after that terrible accidentt, he was forever pulling tiny glass shards out of his forehead....
like a constant reminder that life can suddenly change in an instant.

i was young then,
i don't really remember anything about it except the anxiety on my mother's face and waiting at the hospital for hours as i stood on a chair with my hands pressed on the windows looking out at the city below while the hot summer sun beat down on me.
it's curious the things that you remember,
and the things you don't.
i know now that my father probably faced down many fears when he got back behind the wheel of a brand new VW beetle,
but i never knew it then.
all i knew was that i always felt safe with him behind the wheel.

it was impossible to know
if it was the light filled world
that moved them to dance,
or their dance that moved the
world to
fill
with
light.

if i walked through the gate,
would i find the quiet place?
would i find the place where all things make sense?
the place where i could understand why things are not always the way i want them to be,
but the place of resolution that all things are as they are?
and if i didn't walk through that gate,
would it be okay if those answers were not there for me?

i don't know if i can walk through that gate,
and
i don't know if i can't.

couldn't i just always
live in that little sliver of time
where the trees are perfectly lit up with their fall colors
and the sky is that soft cyan blue?

the early morning light
is the light
that
runs through my veins
and
fills me with
the quiet hope that
all will be well.

the late day light
is the light
that i breathe
in,
and fills me with
the assurance that
indeed...
all was well.

he asked me if i would take a walk with him and so i did.
we walked for a very long time
through all four of the seasons many times over and through mountains of patience
and
compromise and
crazy.
sometimes my feet would hurt and blister and i complain,
but he listens to me and supports me while i look for a band aid.
and
he always reaches out his hand to help me back up when i trip and fall
and smiles at me lovingly.

and then we walk some more.

people have told me many
times,
they worry that
if they started to cry.....
they would never stop.

but what they don't realize,
is that every tear that falls is not
just from their eyes,
but from their heart.
and their heart is like a sponge....
it can only hold so much sadness
before it gets too heavy
and must shed its weight.

if i sit and think about things,
then i feel guilty
that i've wasted time thinking
too much
and
not doing enough.

when i do a whole bunch,
then i feel guilty
that i haven't slowed down
and given more thought before
i acted.

so i was thinking that it might be good
to think about my thinking time
as actually doing something....
i'm thinking.

and to do my doing time as
a way of clearing my mind so
that i can think.


most times though,
i forget what i was thinking about
and usually can't remember what it was that i was supposed to do
anyways.....

dear universe,

please let me cross my bridges with confidence.

let me pass with grace
and integrity
on my walks across.

may i always give myself permission
to stop and look behind me
to measure how far i've come,

may i not let how far i need to go
intimidate me or keep me from trying,

and...

may i always have a super cute outfit to wear,
so i can strut my stuff in style.

amen.

she told me
that when people get missing,
it makes our spirits
weary
and then she yawned
and i knew
that she
would
never
stop
searching.

i was thinking
of the ways that jam
and people
are similar to one another........

they both can spread themselves too thin
and sometimes too thick.....
they're both colorful and shine when the light hits them.....
and although no one would ever have thought to pair them with nuts,
when they are,
the effect is delightful

some days,
it's all i can
do
to
be
the horizon
line
in this
vertical
world.

even the strength
of rocks
can be broken
into little
pebbles
if we're not
careful to try
and
keep
balanced

it wasn't until
she
stepped off the plane
that she
truly began
to
fly

it was hard to discern
between
the fireflies
that lit the warm summer's night
and
the twinkling in her
happy,
shining
eyes.

i'm stuck.
but not the kind of stuck
that's
between a rock
and a
hard
place.
but
the kind of stuck
when you discover
that you have gum on your shoe and you don't want to take another step
until you get it off so you don't stick it to anything else.
the kind of stuck
when you're finally all comfortable and peaceful
in bed
and then you discover you have to go to the bathroom.

the inertia kind of stuck.
the barnacle on a boat.
the clog in the drain.
the bogged down,
wheat pasted,
cemented
kind of stuck.

i'm in the midst of being stuck.....
which,
if you think about it...
is really action in and of itself...
the action of being stuck.
so....
maybe i'm really not stuck at all...
right?
or maybe not....

you intensify
the light of the sun
when you smile at someone,
when you laugh,
when you
love.

they say there are seven natural wonders of the world,
but for me,
by far,
there are so many more.......

the way a tree arches into the sunlight
and throws its shadow
across the landscape.....

the impeccable design of a bird's nest,
flawlessly executed.....

the dreamlike beauty of a
little girl
twirling in a pink
fluttery
skirt.....

there are so many more ways to wonder than seven.

isn't the irony
of saying
"i have nothing to say"
such that
by saying
"i have nothing to say"
you in fact,
say
something?

she told me that she
always wanted to stay up in her head
because
that's where all
the
good
memories
were.

every time i turn the corner
on this
restless place
there is
more
restless
place

growing up,
i was always told
to wipe my feet
when coming
into the house....
but i always
felt
that if i didn't
leave a muddy
footprint or two,
my mother would
never even know
i
had
ever
been
there.

my rearview mirror
has a sticker on it
that says
objects appear closer
than they really are.....

i find that to be true
except when it comes
to people...

for
they are usually much
farther away
than they appear
and i can't seem to find a rearview mirror
that will make them
come
any
closer.

he wasn't as
broken
as he thought he was.

he had just
forgotten
to take the bandaid off.

i met a man and his mustache.....

his take on the world
through the viewfinder.

embracing life
and people
passionately and compassionately.

patrick

this is
how to
do
being.

because,

there
is beauty
in this magical house.
and

there
is magic
in the beautiful woman
who owns this house.....

this
house
on ocracoke island.

be

ten things that will happen while i am away:

1. i will not say the following words: routine, mandatory, scheduled, or necessary
2. i will not hear a xylophone alarm at 6:30 am or any other time of the day or night
3. i will say that i am well when asked how i am and i will really mean it
4. i will forget what day of the week it is as well as the current month and year
5. i will not experience the following emotions: frustration, impatience, shame or intolerance
6. i will allow myself to take a nap if i am tired
7. i will look up.....often
8. i will feel the power of the earth beneath my feet and the ocean before me
9. when the sun rises, i will be there to watch it
10. i will remember this time always

be well.
see you in a couple of weeks.
ox

dear raspberries,

thank you for being made so perfectly for
each of my fingertips.
you taste even better
when
i can pop you right into my mouth
off of each of my fingers......
one
by
one.

love,
dawn

if i could be any place at all,
i would want to be a windowsill.

but,
i'd only want to be a windowsill if the sun shone on me.

and,
i'd only want the sun to shine on me if i was adorned with flowers in small glass jars.

but,
i'd only want flowers in small glass jars to adorn me if they were wildflowers picked by little children's hands.

and,
i'd only want those wildflowers picked by little children's hands if they gave me a big hug to go along with them.

i'm not picky though....
because
any big hug from little children's hands will be fine by me.

the train of thought arrived
and i forgot
to
get
on
it

flowers never require a leap of faith
to bloom,

no arm twisting.....
to charm

they just bloom...
they shine,
they are.

you don't have to have
perfect vision
to see someone
on a
soul
level.

there are parts to every person
that are more tended to
than
others....
parts that are caged,
parts that roam free,
parts that are in the light
and parts that are in the shadows.
sometimes they fight with one another,
sometimes they are harmonious.

i'm not sure these parts make up a
whole or that they are even meant
to....
because the imperfection of parts...
tended to and not....
these fragmented parts,
are our essential nature.
i think we are always incomplete.

to be whole,
means being unbroken,
being perfect...
something i know
i will never achieve.

i recognize you....
the air around you is lilting
and everything dances to your rhythm

hello spring.

watched
ice
never
melts

from memory
from metaphor
from faith
from sorrow
from time
from seasons
from song
from prayer
from ashes
from hope
from grandmothers
from love
from butterflies
from dreams
from struggle
from growth
from laughter

i am.

may love always shine for you.

happy valentine's day
xox

it happens every year.
usually during the crappiest of all crappy winter days.....

they arrive.

the spring colors.

suddenly, the stores are full of
the perkiest of pinks,
the grassiest of greens,
the mints,
the salmons,
a perfect plethora of pantone prospects adorning every rack.

what do i do?

i fall in love.
and i buy....
i buy in a big way.

and then i put them in my closet
where they wait for warmer weather to arrive....
full of the prospects of sunshiney days and spring in my steps.
until i look at them and wonder......

why, pray tell, do i do this to myself?
because these colors were not meant for me
oh no......
on me?
the greens are ghastly.
the pinks look perfectly putrid....
the salmons......sickly.

i must learn to curtail my color conventions.

i vow not to pine for purple pants.

i believe
in the contradictions......

the uncertainties....

the in betweens

i believe in
the grays of
life.

i've heard it said that
you take the weather with you,
and since i
really can't afford
the extra airfare for hurricanes
i guess i'll just ride
out the storm
and wait to travel
on
a clearer day.

i'm trying
to help my
sense of
urgency
understand
its
sense of
direction

winter casts its
inertia
over
all
things...
like tonic immobility..

i quietly
hide
and wait for it
to pass.